Ake sikhulume ngocansi, baby. Ngokuqondile, ake sikhulume ngamagama okufanele siwasebenzise kaningi (ngaphakathi nangaphandle kwekamelo lokulala) ukuze sibe nobudlelwane obunempilo, obujabulisayo. Sithathe uRosara Torrisi, PhD kusuka i-Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy , mayelana namagama afisa sengathi imibhangqwana iwasebenzise kaningi (nalawo okufanele awafake egumbini elingaphansi).
Amagama Amabili Imibhangqwana Okufanele Yamukele
'Kungenzeka'
Igama elithi ‘mhlawumbe’ lingavula izingxoxo ezintsha namathuba, uDkt. Torrisi usitshela. Ake sithi, isibonelo, ukuthi umlingani wakho ufuna ukwethula indima ethile empilweni yakho yocansi. [Ngokusho] ukuthi ‘Ungalokothi, akunjalo!’ uvala umlingani wakho nentokozo engase ibe khona nokukhula, kusho uDkt. Torrisi. Kodwa izwi kungenzeka ivumela ingxoxo mayelana nokuthi kungani benentshisekelo, kungani bengathanda ukwenza lokhu nawe futhi nokuthi uhlole ukuthi yini ongayijabulela ngakho nawe. Futhi, kuhle kakhulu uma kuvela ukuthi ukudlala sengathi akuyona into yakho. Kodwa ngokuba nengxoxo ngakho, ungafunda okuthile ngomlingani wakho futhi mhlawumbe uthole okuthile okusha eningakujabulela ndawonye.
'Compersion'
Iqiniso liyatshelwa, sasingakaze sizwe ngegama elithi ‘ukucindezela’ ngaphambili kodwa siyakuthanda elikushoyo: okuphambene nomhawu. I-Compersion imayelana nokuzwa uthando ngomlingani wakho njengoba ejabulela okuthile noma omunye umuntu, kuchaza uDkt. Torrisi. Leli gama lisetshenziswa njalo umphakathi we-polyamory ukuchaza ukuthi ungase uzizwe kanjani lapho umlingani wakho ehlanganyela isikhathi nobulili nomunye umuntu, kodwa incazelo yalo ingadlulela ngalé kwegumbi lokulala. Sivame ukuzwa ukucatshangelwa kozakwethu lapho bejabulela isikhathi nomngane wabo omkhulu noma njengoba bechichima injabulo ngemva kokuwina umdlalo webhola likanobhutshuzwayo, kuchaza uDkt. Torrisi. Lo muzwa wenjabulo komunye umuntu uvame ukwenzeka ngokwemvelo, kodwa futhi kuyikhono elingase (futhi okufanele) lihlakulelwe. Ngakho-ke esikhundleni sokuncika emoneni noma emoneni ngokuzayo lapho umlingani wakho ejabulela okuthile okungaqondene nawe (kungakhathaliseki ukuthi lokho kuwukubukela isiqephu Cobra Kayi noma ukukhuluma ne-barista enhle), zama ukuzijwayeza ukucindezela—nobabili nizojabula kakhulu ngakho.
Amagama Amabili Imibhangqwana Okufanele Iwagweme
'Njalo' futhi 'akasoze'
Ahlala futhi awalokothi amagama ayisithiyo, kusho uDkt. Torrisi, enezela ukuthi awakuvumeli ukuxhumana okujulile nokucebile. Lawa magama angaba yingozi ngoba ngokuvamile awawona amaqiniso (ingabe umlingani wakho ngempela neze izitsha? Ingabe ukhona ngempela njalo lowo oqala ucansi?) futhi ungavumeli noma iyiphi i-nuance. Okubaluleke kakhulu, uma ufuna ushintsho (njengokucela umlingani wakho ukuthi akhulise imvamisa yakho yocansi noma avele akhiphe udoti omkhulu), ukutshela othile ukuthi ngaso sonke isikhathi [noma akakaze] ayenze le nto akubavumeli ukuba bakhule. Eqinisweni, la mazwi athambekele ekuholeleni ezingxabanweni kunezingxoxo ezinengqondo. Kunalokho, zama ukubachazela ukuthi kungani abakwenzayo kulimaza noma okuthile ongathanda ukukushintsha, noma lokho ongathanda ukukwenza esikhundleni salokho.
OKUhlobene: Amagama Ama-2 Ashiwo I-Couples Therapist Kuzosindisa Umshado Wakho (kanye nama-2 Wokufaka Ku-Vault)
